by kazar on January 2nd, 2004, 10:22 am
Saw my neuro today and started crying before I could answer his first question. Not a great start, but an accurate reflection of my current mental state.
He did the basic strength and reflex tests and saw absolutely nothing to indicate that I had MND. He looked at my thighs and said that I had just lost weight and there was no sign of atrophy. He was much more concerned about my mental health and presribed anti depressants on the spot and strongly urged me to press my doctor into arranging for me to be seen by a psychiatrist. I told him that I wanted an EMG to put my mind at rest and he is happy to go ahead with this, but doubts whether it will have the desired effect, claiming that he has seen people have tests repeatedly and still not be convinced that they were not going to die.
When I came out of his office, I was expecting to feel elated. Instead I felt drained and started crying uncontrollably. The fact that I didn't feel significantly relieved was a wake up call to the deep psychological problems that have underpinned this whole situation.
The bottom line is, I am an obsessive. If I wasn't totally immersed in this particular health concern, it would be something else. I was anorexic when I was 20, and have suffered with a life long eating disorder, with varying degrees of intensity for the past 25 years. It's interesting that since I have lost so much weight with worrying and anxiety, my eating disorder is in remission. Now that I have told myself that I can eat what I want whenever I want because I want to put weight back on, I hardly ever think about food. In fact, I have been so wrapped up in this bout of fear, that I feel sick most of the time, and can't eat anyway.
I need to work on the reasons why my fears have got so out control and accept fully that what I have is benign. As I am writing this I can feel all sorts of buzzing and popping going on in both legs.
In relation to the power of the mind to construct symptoms, my thighs had really been aching since going to the gym 4 days ago. It seemed to be getting worse instead of better, and I took that to be a further indicator that I was doomed. Almost as soon as I got out of my appointment this morning, it had completely disappeared. For a week or so I have also been aware of that lump in the throat feeling when you swallow and something is always there (classic anxiety, bit could easily be interpreted differently). Again this had gone by the time I was home.
Thanks to everyone who has responded to my posts recently. They have helped me through a really tough time.
Karen