Last posting.......

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Last posting.......

Postby Florian on September 17th, 2004, 11:22 am

I dont know why i post it here, realy i dont know.
To read the topics of this board everytime helped me and so whant to say THANKS to this wonderfull community!

I lost everything right know. In a circle of fear, trying to hold my head up.....life hit with full force.

The woman i love, we married 8 years ago, we get two lovely kids, a boy...5 years old and a girl 7 years old. I love all three from the bottom of my heart. A year ago my wife told me she need some time to think about her life. I was shocked because the family was the most important thing in my life.....i fight with myself and say to me....Florian! Be a friend....she need her time, give her what she need. So i rented a little home and visit my family every day. All tihs times we had a good time together and i was feeling that we all feel the same. My wife laughed with me and everything was fine.....i thougt.

Now....i talked about come together again....she told me there is a man and she felt for him what she felt for me, as we come together for years.

So....iam broken....sitting here....twitch from head to toe....swallow not real properly since 2 month....thinking about to end my life.

I know, it is not fair to write here my about my pain....but please dont be angry...i dont now where to go right now.

I lost all....and i want to say to you all: Life your life, kiss you loved ones, dont let the bfs-stuff eat your preciuos time! End will come alone...one day, nobody knows when....but until this day do what your heart say.

Thanks for patience and for all your help..........

Florian
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Postby garym on September 17th, 2004, 12:09 pm

Florian,

Please don't do anything to hurt yourself! No matter how bad things are now, they will get better, but you can't give up. Think about your children. They need you so much more than a woman ever will. When my dad died, it was the biggest heart break of my life. Don't do that to your children.

God bless you, and don't give up!

Gary
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Postby Stephanie on September 17th, 2004, 12:49 pm

Yes, please don't give up. The pain may be unbearable but with time it will lessen and you can go in a new direction in life. Many people have lost everything--a lot have lost a great deal more than you, what makes the difference is how you deal with it. Get some professional help QUIK and don't do anything rash. Only you can change the outcome of your life to a happy one NOT your wife or anyone else. Don't leave this forum either. BTW, my grandmother was a very happy person despite the fact that at a relatively young age, her husband left her, 2 of her children died of cancer, 7 of her siblings died, her house burned down.
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Postby LeeNC on September 17th, 2004, 3:42 pm

Florian:

You said you didn't know why you were posting here about your sad situation? I know why - It's because you need friendship and sympathy when you are dealing with the messy parts of life, and the people here HAVE friendship and sympathy to offer you!

You are already worn down by this weird BFS illness and the anxiety that comes with it, and now you're forced into a life change that you didn't want. It is a rotten time for you.

This better not be your last post, buddy. Get yourself a psychologist. Let some time pass. Keep in touch, and we'll listen.

--LeeNC
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Postby jcavan4125 on September 17th, 2004, 4:25 pm

Florian,

Sorry to hear about your problems! Just like when you first had symptoms of BFS and were afraid of something much worse, you thought things were terribly grim. You probably felt as if you would never be happy again; but you worked thru that. You can work thru this too. As Gary said your children need you now more than ever. They too are going thru a very trying time! Hurting yourself won't help them or make things better. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I know it might not seem temporary now, but in reality it is! I'm sure many of us on the board have gone thru similar situations with relationships, I know I have! I thought that I would never be happy again either. Today I am married to the most wonderful wife I could possibly imagine and could not be happpier! I also agree with LeeNC,.. you posted us because you feel a bond with us. That's great; so use it. We will help you thru it; but as was already mentioned, it is also important for you to seek out someone professional that can help as well. There are always options!
Joe... "That which does not kill us makes us stronger"! - Nietzsche
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Postby Barb916 on September 17th, 2004, 5:47 pm

Florian

Please don't give up! We all care about you and want to help you as much as we can. I'm sure you fell kind of empty right now. Fill that void with more time with your children, conversations with us here, doing that one thing in your life you've always wanted to do, take up a new hobby..anything to help yourself get through this difficult time. Hurting yourself will devestiate your children. Don't let that women have so much control over you that you resort to such desparate measures. A person can only hurt you if you LET them. Don't let her control you like that! You deserve to have someone in you life that loves you unconditionally...like you children do!

Please keep posting...we will listen!

Barb
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Postby Florian on September 18th, 2004, 6:15 am

Oh my god... it is not possible to explain how valuable your words for me.
I think it is the hardest time in my life and i cant see any light in the moment.
My intention was just to write out the pain and tears. To say Thanks again to you would not show the real feelings of gratitude i want to share. Your words give me so much and you are so right....because i know, my post, my thoughts, my pain, my tears are so selfish!!

Yes i sit here, try to find the right words and a million tears are rolling down my cheeks.....ripped between painful loneliness and the lovely duty for my childrens, i know i have to be strong....but you dont know how your words helped me over the day, more than ever, because i dindt calculate any reply of my selfish posting.

Maybe i sound dramaticaly, but i feel like that and i hope you all will be well. Thank you, thank you.....i will stay in touch and when things get better (if that is possible, because all my dreams where linked to my family and i feel as if minutes where years) i will come back to say "Hello friends......i have good news!"

Regards Florian
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Postby Stephanie on September 18th, 2004, 8:16 am

You're not being selfish. Right now you have to think of yourself because if you help yourself become a happy person you will at the same time be helping your children. They will see how strong you are and how you are working to help yourself and that will teach them how to cope with things in their lives. How old are they? There's much more to life out there waiting for you to discover, broaden your horizons. Life is a wonderful gift and you are in control of it-not your wife or anyone else. Keep posting here so we can help and make sure you are doing ok.
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Postby LeeNC on September 18th, 2004, 10:23 am

Stephanie wrote:You're not being selfish. Right now you have to think of yourself because if you help yourself become a happy person you will at the same time be helping your children.


Florian, you are already working through this, I can tell. Stephanie said it so well, that you are right in thinking of yourself at a time like this. No one will ever treat you better than you treat yourself, and you need some TLC. (That stands for Tender Loving Care!)

In the big sea of life, a fierce wind has just changed the course of your little boat, and you didn't even have your sail up. You haven't sunk, but you do need your bucket to bail out. Everyone, grab your buckets, and let's help Florian. I hope that after you travel further, you will look back to this point and realize that this change in your course was a correction, sending you on a better path. It has happened to me, more than once.

Thank you, Florian, for being part of this wonderful community of, uh, whatever we are!

--LeeNC
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Postby dont on September 18th, 2004, 10:36 am

Florian,

I agree with Stephanie. You are not being selfish. We are all here for you to vent to anytime you may like.

You will get through this and come out a better person. I will pray for you and your family.

Hang in there and have fun with your children!!!

Karen
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Postby Florian on September 27th, 2004, 11:12 am

Well, iam back to say: thank you all

I was a fighter all my life, teach so many people in self-defense-technics, win a lot of championships....and now iam in real trouble with a bigger opponent: My own emotions, thoughts, egoism and fears! What if i have this bad disease? Maybe this was the last time we have! And so on...........but i know that will nothing change into a better time.

But Ok.....i try to keep my head up.

So...i do what i have to do....my work, cooking, sleeping (not so good, to much thoughts at night) and all the normal things in life.

When i see my wife(?) she talk to me as if we where good friends and i do the same in this moment. We talked a lot and i beginn to understand how that all comes around. Iam not angry about her, i just want to give back some of the wonderful moments and gifts she give me in the past.

So, i take my kids mostly every day and play with them, lern for school with my daughter, she is 7 1/2......the little boy is 5....go to the park and do all the things they like, same way as i do it all the years. The kids and me laughed all the time and i see clear, that they are in good shape and nothing is bad for them.

Surely iam very sad, everyday in the evening tears running down my cheeks if iam sitting alone in my new kitchen and start to thinking about what i lost....BUT i have to focus all the things i do not lost and that is sooooo much: the wonderful love from my childrens....enjoing the nature (which you have to search in my city *g*), visit a good friend, read a interesting book.....and yes have great friend found in my (ex)wife.

It is a hard time, the hardest ever but i didnt give up now.....and iam happy to be a little part of this community, which helped me a lot.

Best wishes

Florian
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Postby Stephanie on September 27th, 2004, 12:36 pm

I'm glad we heard from you again. It sounds like you are doing as well as you can. Just keep doing what you're doing and time will help heal you. It's a tough time you're going through and I'm sure the twitching doesn't help--how is that going by the way?
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