broke up with long time girlfriend...

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broke up with long time girlfriend...

Postby AndyTwitchalot on November 6th, 2007, 9:20 am

Hey folks, this is why I'm glad that there is an off-topic forum here. I know how awesome the people on here are and I just wanted to talk about this I guess. My girlfriend and I had been together for 4 years, almost to the date. We broke up last night. We had been fighting a lot lately and run into some issues. I guess things just weren't the same as they used to be, and I guess after being together for four years, if we had serious questions about whether or not we would want to get married, that's not a good sign.

It's kinda messed up. There was a post on here a while ago saying "who gets you?" and I almost posted a response talking about how my girlfriend didn't get me at all with medical stuff. I decided against it because I figured it was kind of a downer in an optimistic life affirming thread. But she got sooo frustrated with my health things. She knew fairly early on in the relationship about my cancer past, but this past year has been really tough. First I got violently ill for months the summer before last, where I couldn't eat for a week and it took my body a while to recover. Then I fractured my neck last october and then the headaches started, then the twitching... Since then I've had some other issues that you can certainly see in my post history. But I've had more good times then bad, and I always always tried to hide health problems to her and not complain, because I knew they frustrated her so much. Really, I must seem like I'm a complete health wreck because of my posts on here, but I go about my day just fine.

That being said, we had a great time for the majority of the time we spent together. She is the funniest girl and most friggin gorgeous girl I have ever met, and we laughed our asses off on an almost daily basis. We were even going back and forth between laughing and crying as we were breaking up last night.

Probably the single hardest part about all of this is leaving her family. I can't even talk about it, and I'm gonna stop typing about it now because all it takes is thinking about it and my eyes well up. I had gotten so close with her cousins, we spent weekends with them a couple times a month. The kids were 13, 7, 6, 4 and 2 with a new one on the way. The 2 year old was my buddy, whenever I showed up she would run over to me and we'd be attached the whole weekend.

This is so *beep* up. I'm up and down, but mostly down. I don't even think it's really registered that the girl that I spent almost every day with for the past four years is not in my life anymore. I woke up at 3 this morning and couldn't fall back asleep. haha, I must sound like an absolute wreck right now.

I'm at work but the office is totally empty and its raining outside. I wish it was super busy so I could get my mind off of it.
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Postby Cardu on November 6th, 2007, 12:44 pm

Andy, i'm sorry you are going through this mess. I went through a similar experience years ago. I loved his family and dated him for 6 years through college. I was devistated, we all were. It just wasn't meant to be. We became more like brother and sister.....best friends. The romance was gone.
I've since dated many men who I thought I loved and would marry. I ended up with someone who is not my type at all. I went for the most handsome men I could find. It never worked out. I met my husband and he stole my heart. To me he was beautiful and very sweet. However he did not fit the mold of what I was used to being with.
Here we are, married 10 years with two awesome children. It's been rocky pleanty of times. Especially after having the kids.
Who knows, maybe you two will miss each other and not be able to be away. My husband and I broke up after 2 years of dating, he dated someone else and just about killed me. I think he needed that freedom one more time before getting married. He's lucky I took him back.
Anyway...I could go on and on. Relationships are crazy. What is meant to be will be. Hang in there, it will get easier. If you miss her too bad, beg her back! LOL
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Postby Christina on November 6th, 2007, 9:36 pm

Hi Andy,

I am going through this myself...but with my kids (who are young adults.)

I am so tempted to tell them that this is a right of passage, that all hearts get broken , and that no-one gets to avoid this....but I feel for them as I do you ,and I know that hearing Mom say this..........even if it turns out to be true, will not make it better quickly.

So I will do for you, what I did for them......sending out a cyber hug, and I will just be here if you need to talk.
Wish I could be more help.

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Postby Chris swl on November 7th, 2007, 3:17 am

Hi Andy
I’m so sorry to hear about your news. I can sympathise about having to hide your illness, as the wife gets sick of me going on too. I get sick of her buying shoes but that doesn’t stop her from buying them, I think she was a centipede in her past life. Never mind I’ll not get into that! We nearly broke up when I got this dam illness, so I know it’s not nice.

But Hey! You have to fight on,
If you think she is worth fighting for then go for it, give it another a try, fight for her. But if you really know in you own mind and heart that it will not work, then you will have to be strong.
Only you can decide. Remember the saying. there is always someone for someone.

It is very hard and stressful breaking up a relationship, so my heart goes out to you.
I can only wish that all turns out for the best, and wish you the best of luck for your future.

Take care

Chris Sewell
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Postby AndyTwitchalot on November 8th, 2007, 3:46 pm

Thanks for listening and empathizing with me guys, this s*** really isn't easy!

Amy--sounds like you really understand what I'm going through. We dated all through college and graduated together and I got sooo close to her family. They had family parties at least once a month and they were always what got me through the weeks. She just told me that the kids are asking why I’m not gonna come up and see them this weekend (she hasn’t told them yet) and that s*** is breaking my heart. Seriously, the break up hurts, the loss of love and my best friend sucks, but for some reason every time I think of that family I have to try my absolute hardest to hold back tears, with varying success. So you hit the nail on the head with the term “devastation.”

Christina—I feel sooo bad for your kids. The first time in a way is the worst, because you don’t have perspective. It’s the first time you’ve felt how harrowing this stuff can be, and you don’t realize that time will help. I at least know that I’ve gotten over relationships that I never thought I would, so it makes me optimistic about this. That being said I’ve always gotten sick of the girls I’ve been with after about 6 months, this was the first that I spent 4 years with a girl and didn’t get sick of her. The romance did fade out a bit, we weren’t as much “lovers” by the end (that term always made us laugh anyway) as we were friends. But, in many ways that made me love her more than I did when we were starting off hot n heavy.

Chris--- she was the same with bags that your wife is with shoes haha! I never understood that, but she never understood my CD collection either so…

She is totally worth fighting for, but at this point I don’t know if fighting for her would make things better or worse, if that makes any sense. I think the idea of marriage freaked us both out, and maybe she needs some space to breathe and be independent. We spent almost all of our time together—we spent 5-6 days and nights of the week together, worked at the same institution (different building) so we ate lunch together every day, went home together, etc etc etc. I was always aware of how much she meant to me, but not having her here really drives it home. It’s weird, because on one hand I would love to spend the rest of my life with her, but I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with how we were. Does that make sense? We were fighting and getting angry at little things. So just getting back together now wouldn’t make that magically go away I don’t think. Maybe if we both grow up, who knows. I know that she made me laugh more than anyone else I’ve ever met and I miss all the stupid little things like her smile and smell and dumb stuff like that. Holy s*** this really isn’t easy, huh?? I’m not an overly sentimental dude, but man this is tough.

Thanks for all your support guys, I really appreciate it. Is basso still around?? I figured he would drop some knowledge on this topic.
.
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Postby twitchmebaby on November 8th, 2007, 4:04 pm

Andy I feel for you and I am no wordsmith like Basso so here goes.

The girl I dated in high school and all through college cheated on me once our sophomore year of college then again our senior year before I finally stopped "fighting" for it. Probably many times I am not even aware of.

My 1st wife, married very young at age 22 lasted two years. At that point I thought man, two failures, this stinks and how could it get any worse and will I find any better etc etc.

Well a lot of years later, thank god neither of those realtionships worked out. Otherwise I would not have the wonderful love and life I do now.

These things tend to happen for a reason. A realtionship that requires to much fighting is work and I am here to tell you there are wonderful realtionships that require zero work. I know as I am in one. Life is enough work.

So don't take this as I don't feel for you, I have been there, but rather, step back and evaluate after you have had time to let your emotions settle down.
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Postby garym on November 8th, 2007, 8:15 pm

Andy,

Sorry to hear about your struggle!! I know how hard it can be. I thought I would share my experience with you, just in case it helps.

I started "dating" (for lack of a better word) my wife when we were in 8th grade. Somehow I knew at that early age that she was the woman for me, and we continued dating until we went to college. She went off to Texas A&M, and I went to Baylor to play football. Well, It didn't take long for our relationship to fall apart....I mean, I was football guy at Baylor, and there was no shortage of football guys at A&M. After years of being together, I believe we were both like kids in a candy store.

Well, I ended up marrying another gal, and she ended up with another man (total loser to be sure :D ). Thankfully, however, fate was on our side and we eventually ended up back together after our other marraiges failed. I have to admit, that no matter how long or far apart I was from her, she was always in my heart....I never stopped loving her, and according to her, the same was true for her. Today, we have been married 8 years and 2 days, and we have two beautiful children. Life couldn't be better for me and looking back, I wouldn't change a single thing about the course our relationship took. All the struggles and issues I lived through helped me to be a better husband to my wife and to appreciate her that much more.

Hopefully your current experience will help you to be a better spouse to whomever you end up with....one thing I feel certain about is that you will grow from your time with this girlfriend and hopefully be better off from the experience.

Hang in there, it will get better.

Take care,

gary
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Postby k9ck on November 9th, 2007, 8:28 am

Andy,

I am so sorry, it is hard enough dealing with health issues, then bang something like that happens.

I know time doesn't heal all, but emotions will improve over time.

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Postby AndyTwitchalot on November 9th, 2007, 9:52 am

Thank you for your kind words--

twitchme and gary-- those are some amazing stories, definitely uplifting and they made me feel better. I try to keep stuff like that in mind.

I was actually having a really good morning, but I just got an email from her mom that was so friggin sad. It really is the hardest part. My family parties are huge, and I feel like a loner there. My family is irish catholic and not "stuck up," but I don't feel like my sense of humor fits in. I have over 20 cousins, and most of the little ones don't even know my name. At my exgirlfriends family parties, I would laugh with her family about dumb stuff like sex jokes, I would have kids hanging off of each one of my limbs, I'd exchange arm punches with her older brother, etc. That felt like my family and having to disconnect myself from that is going to make for a very, very difficult holiday season.

I spoke with her yesterday and she said the kids asked her why I wasn't coming up to see them this weekend. Hearing that killed me. She told them I had to work, but she's gonna have to eventually tell them.

Anyways, thanks again guys.
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Postby Richard on November 9th, 2007, 11:20 am

Andy,

I am sorry you are having to go through this.

I wish I had something great to write to you... that would make this pain go away.

But I don't.

I can tell you my now wife and I broke up. And through this process she decided I was the right man for her.

We have been married now for 15 years. And we have had some bad times, even through marriage. I have had issues... I was not as grown up as I should have been.

But I think we now have a great marriage. I am very happy.

So hang in there. Being married is the best thing that ever happened to me.

Trust God that he will find the right woman for you at the right time.

-Richard
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Postby basso on November 9th, 2007, 11:27 am

So, I take it that this isn't the place for me to talk about your swelling parts.:wink:

You received a gift, Andy, you got to love and be loved. That is special. Folded into this love was the affection of others, a place of belonging. That was a gift too. In turn, you have given the gift of your love, your friendship. There are no why or wherefores when we love, or fall in love. We meet, we try, we clumsily get it wrong, we get it right, and we have miracles carry us aloft. Love opens us up more deeply; we feel things that we could not before, including the sorrow of losing love.

You will clatter around your empty abode for awhile, rail at the clouds, feel empty, at a loss, laugh a time or two from memories, and then you will move on. Isn't it awesome that we are able to feel at all...both the good and the not so good?

Who knows what is in your future. Perhaps, you will live alone, become gay, or find your soul mate, or all three. :wink: Let your heart feel what it feels, and continue to let it love.

It sounds as though you really miss her family more, and so, the break-up is more about them, and less about your girlfriend. You could, of course, try and still be a friend of the family, but that would entail everyone being very cool. Not impossible, but improbable, I would say. Sometimes we move on of our own volition, and sometimes that movement is foisted upon us. We fear losing the known, the comfortable, but the unknown can be wonderfully invigorating.

Breaking up, and all that entails, sucks, having your heart broken is even worse, but life is ever full of possibilities, both great and small, and before long they will be introducing themselves to you. A new chapter in your life, eh?

So, off we go, living like warriors, loving for all we are worth, no matter the cost, and in the inimitable words of Capital H, "let's see who gets buried first." :D

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Postby AndyTwitchalot on November 9th, 2007, 12:58 pm

Richard-- stories like yours are definitely inspiring, because they are the realization of what I am hoping for. There is no doubt in my mind that this is the girl that I love, that I want to be with but the relationship that we were leading is not the one that I wanted. We need to grow up, go out on our own, mature and all that good (or not so good!) stuff. Maybe we will get back together in the years to come and be able to start fresh. That being said, I have had that "no doubt this is the person I want to be with" feeling before, so maybe this will just lead to another love.

And basso man, what can I say. That's all I needed, was a good basso post filled with poetry, mock cynicism, humor and perspective.

What you say about the break up being more about my relationship with her family is true to a degree, in the sense that my emotions are less complicated with them than they are with her. I know of all the imperfections of my relationship with her, so despite the fact that I will miss so many things about the unique things that made her who she is, I know that there are problems that had to be addressed and I'm psyched to not be having the fights that we were having. So I have some degree of ambivalence about my break up with her, but my feelings about the family are decidedly different. In no way shape or form do I want to disconnect from them, but it is the inevitable side effect of breaking up with the very thing that connects me to them. haha, my mind is a wreck!

I'm actually doing okay, I had a great morning, my day is going just fine and I'm not filled with any of the over dramatic emotions of the past week. I am looking forward to a weekend filled with activities and people I didn't get to see as much when i was with her, including an ex girlfriend who I've known for over a decade now. The other side of my optimism is the fact that my ex is going up to see the kids this weekend, and that is what I would want to do more than anything else.
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Postby Ivysmom on November 12th, 2007, 12:46 pm

Andy,
What can anyone say but ---that sucks! It is so painful to let go of a relationship, especially all the things that went along with it--routines, extended families, inside jokes. I do think it is true, though, that it is vitally important for your loved one to "get you".

For what it is worth---and this is coming from someone with a few more years experience--- every difficult loss I have ever suffered ultimately was the right path for my life to take. It is sometimes impossible to see that from your particular vantage point. But trust me, there are incredible people and adventures waiting for you that you would miss if you stayed where you are. I know that right now you might think you'd trade all that unknown stuff to have things back the way they were, but usually that is impossible anyway. I have found the old adage--you can't go back--is true.

So...if you can...trust that an incredible future is waiting for you. It is an adventure and a mystery. The more welcoming your attitude, the more new people and experiences will be drawn to you.

I wish you the best through this hard time and I will be evisioning you happy and HEALTHY in an incredible life.
Best,
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Postby Jeliota on November 14th, 2007, 8:43 am

I dated the same girl for 4 1/2 years (though there were some off/on times) before I met my current wife. The original girl had me in all the wrong places. The $ex was fantastic. She was cute in that special way that just made me wild. But we argued all the time. She didn't have any family that I cared for, but the breakup, which had been slowly building forever, was terribly painful. I remember one night we were lying on the couch together watching a movie and I thought, "I don't really know this girl at all even after dating for 4 years." There was constant jealousy between us. Finally, we just ended it and haven't talked to each other since. That was about 15 years ago (I was in my mid-20's).

Then I met my current wife, and it was a whole different world. I'm not sure we've argued 10 times in the last 14 years. There is no jealousy or suspicion. We both have to go on business trips from time to time with co-workers of the opposite sex, and neither one of us makes a big deal of it. It is a perfect trust.

I say all this to say that when the right woman comes along it will be surreal in its rightness. I've never believed in fighting for troubled relationships. The rate of failure is just too great. Better just to find someone who fits you.
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Postby sharon slack on November 15th, 2007, 12:52 am

Hey Andy,

Aww Andy, thats a shame but time is a healer and you will pull through, and if it's meant to be you will find your way back to each other.
But I would just like to say your extremely cute, seem very intelligent and sensitive and I have a really beautiful 18 year old daughter who I want to settle down and stop clubbing so if you want to move to Australia!!. :wink:

Chin up buddy :)
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