by Brian_B on June 25th, 2003, 12:27 am
The 5 Questions most feared by Men
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is
guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers
incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service,
each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.
Question # 1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer
to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was
just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring,
intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which
most likely is one of the following:
a. Baseball.
b. Football.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al
Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I
would be talking to you!"
Question # 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is
in order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh Yeah, butt-loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?
Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect
answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would
spend the insurance money if you died.
Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define pretty
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would
spend the insurance money if you died.
Question # 5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question.
(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette and a Boat"). No matter
how you answer this, be prepared for at least
an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines ; WOMAN:
Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not-don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them
with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
MAN: *beep*
I like monkeys
the pet store was selling them for 5 cents a piece
I thought this was odd becuse they are normally a couple of thousand a piece
I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth and i bought 200 of them
I like monkeys
I took my 200 monkeys home
I have a big car
I let one of them drive
His name was Sigmund he was retarded
In fact none of them were very bright. They kept punching themselves in the genitals.
I laughed
They punched me in the genitals
I stopped laughing
When I got home, I herded them into my room. they didnt adapt very well to their new surrondings. They would screech and yell, and hurl themselves off the couch at high speeds and slam into the walls. Although funny at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway through the third hour.
Two hours later i found out why the monkeys were so cheap
they all died
no apparant reason
They all just dropped dead
kinda like when u buy a goldfish, and it dies 5 hours later
*beep* cheap monkeys
I didnt know what to do, there were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my house. on the bed, in the dresser hanging from the bookcase
it looked like i had 200 throw rugs
I tried to flush one down the toilet
it didnt work
it got stuck
then i had one dead wet monkey and 199 dead dry monkeys
i tried to pretend they were stuffed animals
that worked for a while
until they began to decompose
it started to smell real bad
I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in my toilet and I didnt want to call a plumber
i was embarrassed
I tried to slow downt the decomposition by freezing them
Unfortunaly there was only room for 2 at a time
so i had to change them every 30 seconds i also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didnt go bad
i tried to burn them
but i did not know my bed was flammable
i had to extiinguish the fire
then i had 1 dead wet monkey in my toilet, two dead frozen moneys in my freezer, and 197 dead charred monkeys in a pile on my bed
the odor wasnt improving
i became agitated at my inability to dispose of the dead monkeys and i really had to go to the bathroom
so i went and severly beat one of the monkeys
i felt better
then i tried throwing them away
but the garbage man said the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates
i told him i had a wet one
he couldnt take that one either
i didnt bother asking about the frozen ones
i finally arrived at a solution
i gave them out as christmas gifts
my friends didnt know what to say
they pretended to like them
but i could tell they were lying
ingrates
so i punched them in the genitals
god i like monkeys
Subject: Battle of the Bobbits
> > >
> > > >
> > > > Come listen to a story 'bout a man named John,
> > > > A poor ex-marine with his little *beep* gone.
> > > > It seems one night after gettin' with the wife,
> > > > She lopped off his dong with the swipe of a knife.
> > > >
> > > > Penis, that is.
> > > >
> > > > Clean cut.
> > > >
> > > > Missed his nuts.
> > > >
> > > > Well, the next thing you know there's a Ginsu by his side,
> > > > And Lorena's in the car takin' Willie for a ride.
> > > > She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend,
> > > > Tossed him out the window as she went around a bend.
> > > >
> > > > Curve, that is.
> > > >
> > > > Tossed the nub.
> > > >
> > > > In the shrub.
> > > >
> > > > She went to the cops and confessed to the attack,
> > > > They called out the hounds just to get his weenie back.
> > > > They sniffed and they barked and they pointed "over there"
> > > > To John Wayne's henry that was waving in the air.
> > > >
> > > > Found, that is.
> > > >
> > > > By a fence.
> > > >
> > > > Evidence.
> > > >
> > > > Now peter and John couldn't stay apart for long,
> > > > So a *beep* doc said, "Hey, I can fix that dong!"
> > > > "A needle and a thread is all we're gonna need"
> > > > And the whole world waited till they heard that
> > > > Johnny pee'd.
> > > >
> > > > Whizzed, that is.
> > > >
> > > > Straight stream.
> > > >
> > > > Even seam.
> > > >
> > > > Well he healed and he hardened and he took his case to
court,
> > > > With a half-assed lawyer cause his assets came up short.
> > > > They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape
> > > > And his pecker was the only thing they didn't show on
tape.
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > Video, that is.
> > > >
> > > > Unexposed.
> > > >
> > > > Case Closed.
> > > >
> > > > Ya'll sleep on your stomachs now, 'ya hear! >>
> > > > >>
With all of this talk of impending war, many of us will encounter "Peace Activists" who will try to convince us that we must refrain from retaliating against the ones who terrorized us all on September 11, 2001. These activists may be alone or in a gathering and most of us don't know how to react to them. When you come upon one of these people, or one of their rallies, here are the proper rules of etiquette:
1. Listen politely while this person explains their views. Strike up a conversation if necessary and look very interested in their ideas.
They will tell you how revenge is immoral, and that by attacking the people who did this to us, we will only bring on more violence. They will probably say
many arguments, ranging from political to religious to humanitarian.
2. In the middle of their remarks, without any warning, punch them in the nose.
3. When the person gets up off of the ground, they will be very angry and they may try to hit you, so be careful.
4. Very quickly and calmly remind the person that violence only brings about more violence and remind them of their stand on this matter. Tell them if they are really committed to a non-violent approach to undeserved
attacks, they will turn the other cheek and negotiate a solution. Tell them they must lead by example if they really believe what they are saying.
5. Most of them will think for a moment and then agree that you are correct.
6. As soon as they do that, hit them again. Only this time hit them much harder. Square in the nose.
7. Repeat steps 2-5 until the desired results are obtained and the idiot realizes that he or she is making a stupid argument.