Does anyone know any good jokes?

[Jenn311]

Kerri had a good idea to do something fun...maybe we could post some good jokes, after all, if y'all are anything like me, you get tons of these things through your e-mail all the time already!

I'll go first...I got this one from my mom. She has a some what warped sense of humor (like mother, like daughter...)

THE VALUE OF UNDIES:

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when
working under your vehicle.

From the NORTHWEST FLORIDA DAILY NEWS comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaring public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything
back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

[Jenn311]

Hey! My poll option actually worked! I always wondered if it would! Go Jen, Go Jen..

[Jenn311]

OK...
Here is another one:

Honk If You Love Jesus

The other day I saw a ''Honk if you love Jesus'' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance followed by a thunderous prayer meeting,so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed! I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and how good He is... and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind me started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, ''For the love of GOD! GO, GO!! Jesus Christ, GO!!'' What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a ''sunny beach''...I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

When I asked my teenage grandson what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My son burst out laughing...why even HE was enjoying this religious experience!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed, so I waved one more time to my loving brothers and sisters, grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them all after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one more time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks.

[reneeintx]

I love the honk if you love Jesus!!

I imagined the whole thing going on in my mind while reading. The old lady thinking everyone was honking because of the sticker

Hawiian good luck sign LOL

ALOHA~

Renee

[Arron]

There's nothin' funnier than seeing a bumper sticker that reads; "Be kind to animals. Don't eat them" on a car with LEATHER seats! God that just makes me laugh! I yelled at some hippie dork the other day in a Lexux (leather everything!) with that very bumper sticker. What a clueless dork! Ha-ha-ha!!

[Jenn311]

Too funny Aaron...maybe they don't teach people about consistency at Berkley.

I saw one the other day that said: CAT, the other white meat. EEEEWWWWW!

Jen

[Brian_B]

The 5 Questions most feared by Men

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is
guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers
incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service,
each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer
to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was
just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring,
intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which
most likely is one of the following:
a. Baseball.
b. Football.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al
Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I
would be talking to you!"


Question # 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is
in order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh Yeah, butt-loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect
answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would
spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define pretty
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would
spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question.
(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette and a Boat"). No matter
how you answer this, be prepared for at least
an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines ; WOMAN:
Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not-don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them
with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
MAN: *beep*





I like monkeys
the pet store was selling them for 5 cents a piece
I thought this was odd becuse they are normally a couple of thousand a piece
I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth and i bought 200 of them
I like monkeys
I took my 200 monkeys home
I have a big car
I let one of them drive
His name was Sigmund he was retarded
In fact none of them were very bright. They kept punching themselves in the genitals.
I laughed
They punched me in the genitals
I stopped laughing
When I got home, I herded them into my room. they didnt adapt very well to their new surrondings. They would screech and yell, and hurl themselves off the couch at high speeds and slam into the walls. Although funny at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway through the third hour.
Two hours later i found out why the monkeys were so cheap
they all died
no apparant reason
They all just dropped dead
kinda like when u buy a goldfish, and it dies 5 hours later
*beep* cheap monkeys
I didnt know what to do, there were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my house. on the bed, in the dresser hanging from the bookcase
it looked like i had 200 throw rugs
I tried to flush one down the toilet
it didnt work
it got stuck
then i had one dead wet monkey and 199 dead dry monkeys
i tried to pretend they were stuffed animals
that worked for a while
until they began to decompose
it started to smell real bad
I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in my toilet and I didnt want to call a plumber
i was embarrassed
I tried to slow downt the decomposition by freezing them
Unfortunaly there was only room for 2 at a time
so i had to change them every 30 seconds i also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didnt go bad
i tried to burn them
but i did not know my bed was flammable
i had to extiinguish the fire
then i had 1 dead wet monkey in my toilet, two dead frozen moneys in my freezer, and 197 dead charred monkeys in a pile on my bed
the odor wasnt improving
i became agitated at my inability to dispose of the dead monkeys and i really had to go to the bathroom
so i went and severly beat one of the monkeys
i felt better
then i tried throwing them away
but the garbage man said the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates
i told him i had a wet one
he couldnt take that one either
i didnt bother asking about the frozen ones
i finally arrived at a solution
i gave them out as christmas gifts
my friends didnt know what to say
they pretended to like them
but i could tell they were lying
ingrates
so i punched them in the genitals
god i like monkeys


Subject: Battle of the Bobbits


> > >
> > > >
> > > > Come listen to a story 'bout a man named John,
> > > > A poor ex-marine with his little *beep* gone.
> > > > It seems one night after gettin' with the wife,
> > > > She lopped off his dong with the swipe of a knife.
> > > >
> > > > Penis, that is.
> > > >
> > > > Clean cut.
> > > >
> > > > Missed his nuts.
> > > >
> > > > Well, the next thing you know there's a Ginsu by his side,
> > > > And Lorena's in the car takin' Willie for a ride.
> > > > She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend,
> > > > Tossed him out the window as she went around a bend.
> > > >
> > > > Curve, that is.
> > > >
> > > > Tossed the nub.
> > > >
> > > > In the shrub.
> > > >
> > > > She went to the cops and confessed to the attack,
> > > > They called out the hounds just to get his weenie back.
> > > > They sniffed and they barked and they pointed "over there"
> > > > To John Wayne's henry that was waving in the air.
> > > >
> > > > Found, that is.
> > > >
> > > > By a fence.
> > > >
> > > > Evidence.
> > > >
> > > > Now peter and John couldn't stay apart for long,
> > > > So a *beep* doc said, "Hey, I can fix that dong!"
> > > > "A needle and a thread is all we're gonna need"
> > > > And the whole world waited till they heard that
> > > > Johnny pee'd.
> > > >
> > > > Whizzed, that is.
> > > >
> > > > Straight stream.
> > > >
> > > > Even seam.
> > > >
> > > > Well he healed and he hardened and he took his case to
court,

> > > > With a half-assed lawyer cause his assets came up short.
> > > > They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape
> > > > And his pecker was the only thing they didn't show on
tape.
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > Video, that is.
> > > >
> > > > Unexposed.
> > > >
> > > > Case Closed.
> > > >
> > > > Ya'll sleep on your stomachs now, 'ya hear! >>
> > > > >>



With all of this talk of impending war, many of us will encounter "Peace Activists" who will try to convince us that we must refrain from retaliating against the ones who terrorized us all on September 11, 2001. These activists may be alone or in a gathering and most of us don't know how to react to them. When you come upon one of these people, or one of their rallies, here are the proper rules of etiquette:

1. Listen politely while this person explains their views. Strike up a conversation if necessary and look very interested in their ideas.
They will tell you how revenge is immoral, and that by attacking the people who did this to us, we will only bring on more violence. They will probably say
many arguments, ranging from political to religious to humanitarian.

2. In the middle of their remarks, without any warning, punch them in the nose.

3. When the person gets up off of the ground, they will be very angry and they may try to hit you, so be careful.

4. Very quickly and calmly remind the person that violence only brings about more violence and remind them of their stand on this matter. Tell them if they are really committed to a non-violent approach to undeserved
attacks, they will turn the other cheek and negotiate a solution. Tell them they must lead by example if they really believe what they are saying.

5. Most of them will think for a moment and then agree that you are correct.

6. As soon as they do that, hit them again. Only this time hit them much harder. Square in the nose.

7. Repeat steps 2-5 until the desired results are obtained and the idiot realizes that he or she is making a stupid argument.

[Floater]

Hey Jenn what about (Salmon the other pink meat)

[Just_curious]

I work with computers and thought you all might like it
Its technology for country folk

LOG ON:

Making a wood stove hot

LOG OFF:

Too much wood on fire

MONITOR:

Keep'n an eye on the wood stove

DOWN LOAD:

Gitten the farwood off'n the truck

MEGA HERTZ:

When yer not keerfull gitten the farwood

FLOPPY DISC:

Whatcha git from tryin to tote too much farwood

RAM:

That thar thang what splits the farwood

HARD DRIVE:

Gitten home in the winter time

WINDOWS:

Whut to shut when its cold outside

SCREEN:

Whut to shut when its black fly season

BYTE:

Whut dem dang flys do

CHIP:

Munchies fer the TV

MICRO CHIP:

Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag

MODEM:

Whatcha do to the hay fields

DOT MATRIX:

Ole Dan Matrix's wife

LAP TOP:

Whar the kitty sleeps

KEYBOARD:

Whar you hang the dang truck keys

SOFTWARE:

Dem dang plastic forks and knifes

MOUSE:

What eats the grain in the barn

MOUSE PAD:

That's hippie talk fer where the mouse lives

MAINFRAME:

Holds up the barn roof

PORT:

Fancy flatlander wine

ENTER:

Notherner talk fer "C'Mon in y'all"

CLICK:

Whut you hear when you *beep* yer gun

DOUBLE CLICK:

When you *beep* the double barrel

REBOOT:

Whut you have to do right before bedtime, when you have to go to the outhouse

There are pictures that go with it but could not get them to post here. Hope you all like em

Just Curious...

[Jenn311]

Here's another good one....that people from outside North America may not appreciate....but I thought it was cute.

Jen


STATE MOTTOS:

Alabama: Take Ten...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Arizona: By the time I get to Phoenix I'll be sizzled!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
California: If it moves or stands still, TAX IT!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, leave Your Money)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Are Real Good
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Maryland: WE taught CA about taxation

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, Like Mass. only Ted Turner doesn't own it yet
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nevada: Hookers and Poker!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New Mexico: Where Texas state senators hide out
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To an Attorney
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tennessee: The Educashun State
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Vermont: Yep
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family... Really!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wyoming: Where Men Are Men ... and the sheep are scared!