In need of Good Jokes!!

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In need of Good Jokes!!

Postby Chris swl on August 14th, 2006, 2:30 pm

Hi Friends

I am having one of thoses weeks, i feel at an all time low, so i need some good jokes to make me feel better I also need a good laugh!

I have just posted a mone in the support group so i need your help.
So please tell me a good Joke! and make me smile!!

Good fun jokes only as i would hate to upset anyone.

Thanks
Chris From the UK.
Good luck to all with BFS/BCFS
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Postby blmave86 on August 14th, 2006, 3:29 pm

TWENTY DOLLARS

On their wedding night, the young bride
approached her new
husband and asked for $20.00 for their first
lovemaking encounter. In
his highly aroused state, her husband readily
agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made
love, for more
than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a
cute way for her to
afford new clothes and other incidentals that
she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was
surprised to find
her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
his employer
was going through a process of corporate
downsizing, and he had
been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of
59, he'd be able to find
another position that paid anywhere near what
he'd been earning, and
therefore, they
were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
showed more than thirty
years of steady deposits and interest totaling
nearly$1 million. Then she
showed him certificates of deposits issued
by the bank which were worth over $2 million,
and informed him that they
were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that
for the more than
three decades she had "charged" him for sex,
these holdings had multiplied
and these were the
results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments
worth over $3
million, her husband was so astounded he could
barely speak, but
finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If
I'd had any idea what you
were doing, I would have given you all my
business!"

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
to keep their mouths shut.


I have sort of a sick sense of humour. Someone sent me this this morning. I hope it doesn't offend anyone.
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Postby Mork on August 14th, 2006, 3:38 pm

After getting all of Pope John Paul's luggage loaded into the limo, (and He doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing On the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat in the back so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone
to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the
airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

" Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the

Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear a police siren.

"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but
the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 105 mph.

"So bust him," says the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," says the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the f***ing Pope as a chauffeur!!
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Postby stevepaul on August 14th, 2006, 3:47 pm

The wife came home with a new dress the other day and when she tried it on she said to me.

"Do you think this dress makes me look fat"

"No" I said. "It's your fat face and your fat bum that make you look fat" !!!
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Postby basso on August 14th, 2006, 8:41 pm

I think this is pretty funny, all be it a tad rude.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XS9sRbNRUAc

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nother joke

Postby tewest99 on August 16th, 2006, 10:48 pm

So 2 construction workers are on the job site just before lunch. they both went into the outhouse and as the one worker sat down his change fell out of his pocket and into the toilet. When they both got out of the outhouse, the guy who lost his change asked his friend if he could borrow $10.00. His friend said sure. The guy took the $10.00 and threw it into the same toilet. What did you do that for the other guy said. His friend replied, you didn't think I was going to reach down in there just for some change did you?
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Postby tammie77 on August 17th, 2006, 12:23 am

Last week was my birthday
>and I didn't feel very well
>waking up on that morning.
>
>
>
>
>I went downstairs for breakfast
>hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
>"Happy Birthday!",
>and possibly have a small present for me.
>
>
>
>
>
>As it turned out,
>she barely said good morning,
>let alone
>"Happy Birthday."
>
>
>
>
>I thought...
>Well,
>
>that's marriage for you,
>but the kids....
>They will remember.
>
>
>
>
>
>My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
>and didn't say a word.
>So when I left for the office,
>I felt pretty low
>
>and
>somewhat despondent.
>
>
>
>
>
>As I walked into my office,
>my secretary Jane said,
>"Good Morning Boss,
>and by the way
>Happy Birthday ! "
>It felt a little better
>that at least someone had remembered.
>
>
>
>
>
>I worked until one o'clock ,
>when Jane knocked on my door
>and said, "You know,
>It's such a beautiful day outside,
>and it is your Birthday,
>what do you say we go out to lunch,
>just you and me."
>I said, "Thanks, Jane,
>that's the greatest thing
>I've heard all day.
>Let's go !"
>
>
>
>
>
>We went to lunch.
>But we didn't go
>
>where we normally would go.
>She chose instead at a quite bistro
>with a private table.
>We had two martinis each
>and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
>On the way back to the office,
>Jane
>said,
>"You know,
>It's such a beautiful day...
>We don't need to go straight back to the office,
>Do We ?"
>
>
>
>
>
>I responded,
>"I guess not.
>What do you have in mind ?"
>She said,
>"Let's drop by my apartment,
>it's just around the corner."
>
>
>
>
>
>After arriving at her apartment,
>Jane turned to me and said,
>" Boss,
>if you don't mind,
>I'm
>going to step into the bedroom
>for just a moment.
>I'll be right back."
>"Ok."
>I nervously replied.
>
>
>
>
>
>She went into the bedroom and,
>after a couple of minutes,
>she came out
>
>carrying a huge birthday cake ..
>Followed
>by my wife,
>my kids,
>and dozens of my friends
>and co-workers,
>all singing "Happy Birthday".
>
>
>
>
>
>And I just sat there...
>
>
>
>
>
>On the couch...
>
>
>.....................................
>
>
> ....................................
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>......Naked.........
>
>
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Postby nicolelasa on August 17th, 2006, 6:36 pm

why was the number 6 mad at 7?because 7,8,9. GET IT! :lol:
If Its free It's for me I'll take three.
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Postby tewest99 on August 18th, 2006, 4:02 pm

although 7,8,9, I don't believe he in(10)ded to do it ... so 6 ought to apologize to 7 ...


sorry, I'll be quiet now ... ;-)

I need to re-read my signature ...
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Postby basso on August 18th, 2006, 4:12 pm

An English cat named "One two three" challenged a French cat "Un deux trois" to a race across the English Channel; which cat won?????

The English cat "One two three" won, because "Un deux trois" cat sank. :P

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Postby stevepaul on August 18th, 2006, 4:30 pm

Shakespeare walked into a pub and the landlord said "get out you're barred"
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Postby missyJ on August 18th, 2006, 4:45 pm

An inflatable boy gets a scholarship at the inflatable school.

After a day or two, the inflatable boy throws a wobbly, pulls a tack out of his satchel and runs amock piercing and popping all he comes into contact with, including the other students, teachers, the head, the school and. eventually, himself

The head teacher calls the inflatable boy into his office and is not very impressed. He says to the boy

You have been a total disappointment to everyone. You have let the school down, you have let the teachers down you have let me down and, most importantly, you have let youreself down
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Postby tewest99 on August 19th, 2006, 4:01 am

So, a bear from Barstow goes into a bar to get a beer...

The bartender says, "we don't serve beer to bears from Barstow."

The bear says, what do you mean "we don't serve beer to bears from Barstow."?

The bartender replies "get lost"...

So the bear comes back a second time and the bartender repeats the same thing ... "we don't serve beer to bears from Barstow."

So, the bear gets upset and leaves the bar again... about halfway home the bear is REALLY angry now and he's going back to the bar to get his beer without any questions ...

So, the bear goes into the bar and says, "bartender I DEMAND you give me a beer and if you don't I'm going to have to get REALLY violent !!!"

The bartenser says, "LOOK, I TOLD YOU WE DON'T SERVE BEER TO BEARS FROM BARSTOW, NOW BEAT IT !!!"

So, the bear looks at the woman sitting next to him and jumps on her, mauls her severely and leaves her lying on the floor.

Then with blood dripping from his mouth and his teeth showing the bear says "NOW, GIVE ME THAT BEER !!!"

And the bartender says, "I don't serve beer to bears from Barstow ... especially bears that do drugs !!!"

The bear replied "WHAT DO YOU MEAN .. DO DRUGS !!??"

The bartender said... "well, that was the [barbitchyouate]"


OK, sorry ... that's the only one I could remember ...
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Postby goblue on August 19th, 2006, 5:39 am

A woman goes to her doctors and says 'Doc, I pass silent gas in the morning, I pass silent gas in the afternoon, and I pass silent gas at night. and Woops, I just passed silent gas right now." The doc looks at her and says 'Well, the first test we need to do is to check your hearing'.
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Postby tewest99 on August 19th, 2006, 3:16 pm

Last edited by tewest99 on September 1st, 2006, 8:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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