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A year in the life of BFS.....

PostPosted: September 25th, 2011, 8:12 pm
by RandyR
A little over a year ago at this time I was planning on taking my life due to twitching. I was so scared that I had the big nasty, I was going to commit suicide. I was going to go out to my garage and start the car and just go to sleep. There was no way that I was going to face having a disease. I remember the night that I had made my mind up, I went in to hug my kids and my wife and said I needed some time alone. My wife would not let go of me because she could sense that something was not right, and she hugged me harder than she ever has and cried along with me.

I was going around putting notes on things that I wanted each of my son's to have. I am a knife collector and I took each knife out of the safe and put them in the box along with a note to each one of my sons explaining how proud of them I was and how sorry I was for leaving them so early.

Everytime I had a second alone I was crying un-controllable. I could not eat, think straight, make any kind of decision what so ever. I started carrying my Bible around with me evrywhere like a child would carry a security blanket. I would not leave the house except for going to doctors visits. Which before the twitches you could not get me into a doctors office if your life depended on it.

During this time my Grandfather up and got sick, and I had to watch him die in a hospital in a little less than two weeks time. I went to the hospital several times to see him, and he would tell me that he was worried about me because of the weight that I had lost. Here he was really dying and worried about me, someone freaked out over muscle twitches.

Well anyways I never got the courage up to walk out to the garage that night, I wanted to have controll and that was the only controll I felt I had any longer, I was letting BFS controll me. But I was too scared to do it. I did not stop myself because of my beautifull loving wife, or my two wonderfull boys that God had blessed me with. I did not do it, because I was too scared to die, the same reason I was scared of the muscle twitches because I thought they were killing me.

Well its been a little over a year and those same twitches are still going like mad, but I'm not scared of them any longer. They have no more controll over me. They are no more than a nuisance, an aggrovation. I do not remember Halloween, Thanksgiving, or much about Christmas last year. But I will make the best out of the hollidays this year! I will take my kids out Trick or treating, I will carve the Turkey and say the prayer, I will watch my babys open there CHRISTmas presents and sing carols with them. I will kiss my wife on New Years night at the stroke of midnight. If it snows I'm going to have a snow ball fight with my boys. I will enjoy my life twitching or not! Because I'm still walking, talking, eating, breathing, and doing everything else I could do before the monster by the name of BFS came to visit. I have BFS, BFS does not have me any longer.....

Sorry if this bores you, but I wanted to get it off my chest. Thanks for reading..... :D

Re: A year in the life of BFS.....

PostPosted: September 25th, 2011, 9:08 pm
by johnnythejet
Great post! Thanks for sharing.

Re: A year in the life of BFS.....

PostPosted: September 25th, 2011, 9:42 pm
by plainslady
Wow Randy...thanks for sharing your story. It is because of people like you who came on here and shared your experiences I didn't wind up suicidal. I was on the verge of a complete mental breakdown, contemplating having myself committed to a psychiatric hospital because of the fear that had gripped my life when the twitching first started. I couldn't eat and I isolated myself from my family and friends. I quit looking forward to upcoming events and had decided my kids were going to have to grow up without me. My family went on a weekend trip the week it started and honestly I don't remember much of it. I had no joy, no hope in my heart. Then I started reading these boards and realized I was not alone...

God bless you Randy and may you enjoy your holidays this year!

~Frances

Re: A year in the life of BFS.....

PostPosted: September 25th, 2011, 10:49 pm
by Shanny63
Randy, what u wrote was beautiful, it made me cry because I know your struggle, I think there are many of us on this site who know your struggle not just me, I'm so glad u didn't end your life because u are a wonderful person, your wife and two boys are so lucky to have u in their life...and I hope u have the best holidays this year..and u have been a great support not just to me but I'm sure others on here,,,

And there is not one thing about your story that is boring, it gives people like me and others hope that we too can get beyond all this bfs. B*****T and get back to living our lives.....god bless u Randy and thank u for your honesty.....best wishes Shannon

Re: A year in the life of BFS.....

PostPosted: September 26th, 2011, 8:51 am
by Rebecca
Randy, thank you for a wonderful & moving post! I'm so glad that you've been able to look "the beast" in the eye and have chosen to live life to its fullest. Good on ya and thanks for sharing this post with us. It's exactly the kind of thing newcomers to the forum need to read. There IS life after BFS --- a full, rich, rewarding life. Enjoy every moment of the holidays. I think they've really already begun for you!

Becky

Re: A year in the life of BFS.....

PostPosted: September 26th, 2011, 3:12 pm
by MissBehavin
Perfect!

Re: A year in the life of BFS.....

PostPosted: September 26th, 2011, 7:23 pm
by SuziQ
RandyR wrote:A little over a year ago at this time I was planning on taking my life due to twitching. I was so scared that I had the big nasty, I was going to commit suicide. I was going to go out to my garage and start the car and just go to sleep. There was no way that I was going to face having a disease. I remember the night that I had made my mind up, I went in to hug my kids and my wife and said I needed some time alone. My wife would not let go of me because she could sense that something was not right, and she hugged me harder than she ever has and cried along with me.

I was going around putting notes on things that I wanted each of my son's to have. I am a knife collector and I took each knife out of the safe and put them in the box along with a note to each one of my sons explaining how proud of them I was and how sorry I was for leaving them so early.

Everytime I had a second alone I was crying un-controllable. I could not eat, think straight, make any kind of decision what so ever. I started carrying my Bible around with me evrywhere like a child would carry a security blanket. I would not leave the house except for going to doctors visits. Which before the twitches you could not get me into a doctors office if your life depended on it.

During this time my Grandfather up and got sick, and I had to watch him die in a hospital in a little less than two weeks time. I went to the hospital several times to see him, and he would tell me that he was worried about me because of the weight that I had lost. Here he was really dying and worried about me, someone freaked out over muscle twitches.

Well anyways I never got the courage up to walk out to the garage that night, I wanted to have controll and that was the only controll I felt I had any longer, I was letting BFS controll me. But I was too scared to do it. I did not stop myself because of my beautifull loving wife, or my two wonderfull boys that God had blessed me with. I did not do it, because I was too scared to die, the same reason I was scared of the muscle twitches because I thought they were killing me.

Well its been a little over a year and those same twitches are still going like mad, but I'm not scared of them any longer. They have no more controll over me. They are no more than a nuisance, an aggrovation. I do not remember Halloween, Thanksgiving, or much about Christmas last year. But I will make the best out of the hollidays this year! I will take my kids out Trick or treating, I will carve the Turkey and say the prayer, I will watch my babys open there CHRISTmas presents and sing carols with them. I will kiss my wife on New Years night at the stroke of midnight. If it snows I'm going to have a snow ball fight with my boys. I will enjoy my life twitching or not! Because I'm still walking, talking, eating, breathing, and doing everything else I could do before the monster by the name of BFS came to visit. I have BFS, BFS does not have me any longer.....

Sorry if this bores you, but I wanted to get it off my chest. Thanks for reading..... :D


Dude, are you KIDDING?!?! This is one of the most UNBORING posts you could have ever written!

What a journey you have been on, Randy. It is such an honor to have shared even a small part of it with you. Thank you so much for sharing this, and for the transparent vulnerability you've shown, here. So many others will benefit from your story.

And now for the next step; the recognition that this was all part of a Greater Scheme in your life. Yup, I know that seems counter-intuitive, but think about who you were before this hit you, and then contrast it with who you are now; a man who fully loves, and lives and embraces even the tiniest of blessings.

And since you are a Bible-reading guy, this one is for you; God will restore to you the years the locusts have eaten away. The trials of this past year will fade into oblivion, but I pray that the lesson you've learned won't. Ever. We all find ourselves doing the wrong things for the right reasons, sometimes. That doesn't mean we have to wallow in our failings, or feel regretful of the time we so carelessly tossed away. You were being matured, changed and refined, which is never a waste of time.

I was also on the brink of taking my life when I was deep in my fear and dread with this stuff. It was months before I ever found this forum, but I had the same end-of-life plan as you did. The garage, the car, and a long, painless sleep. And I am SO glad I never took that irreversible road, because life has been more astonishingly beautiful and more richly blessed than I ever imagined, pre-bfs.

Blessings to you, my friend.
Suzi

Re: A year in the life of BFS.....

PostPosted: September 27th, 2011, 8:34 am
by dARR
Randy, this is a truly beautiful piece of writing. Such honesty and integrity will no doubt touch any twitcher that is lucky enough to read your story. It's not an easy thing what you did... And I truly believe that there are many of us that held these dark thoughts close to our hearts in our early days. I remember your first months on the site and I am proud of you man.

Darragh

Re: A year in the life of BFS.....

PostPosted: September 27th, 2011, 1:27 pm
by raindog
Great Post Randy, i can relate to the initial fear before i got to see a neurologist, but taking my life never entered my mind, probably because i was too busy changing my nappies /diaper's.

Good to see your now in control mate. :D

Re: A year in the life of BFS.....

PostPosted: September 27th, 2011, 1:27 pm
by raindog
raindog wrote:Great Post Randy, i can relate to the initial fear before i got to see a neurologist, but taking my life never entered my mind, probably because i was too busy changing my nappy /diaper

Good to see your now in control mate. :D

Re: A year in the life of BFS.....

PostPosted: September 28th, 2011, 12:32 am
by msm
Randy what a beautifully written eloquent story. It sums up everything a lot of us have gone through but never revealed on this board. I was almost crying by the end of it. The main thing is over the course of a year you have overcome your fears and I have had the honor of knowing you and speaking to you on several occasions and I know what a good hearted person you are and the loving family that you have and I am so proud of you that you have come so far. You deserve to go on with your life and the fact that you have bfs and bfs does not have you is a testament to your triumph in conquering this and serves as a lesson to everyone who has been in the same place and will be able to come out of it as you have. God Bless you and continue to live your life, enjoy your family and live to the fullest.

Your friend

Mary

Re: A year in the life of BFS.....

PostPosted: September 28th, 2011, 12:07 pm
by allmylove16
I too am coming up on my one year mark of my bfs journey (October 3) and as I write this tears come to my eyes because I was very much in the same dark pit letting the twitches control me and thinking of how to be in control of my fate. I was sure I had what we all fear and I couldn't stand the thought of becoming a burden to my family. Holidays, birthdays, my anniversary were all a blur also.......Thanks for the honesty and courage Randy. It helps knowing that we are not alone.

Blessings!

Shelly

Re: A year in the life of BFS.....

PostPosted: September 28th, 2011, 4:32 pm
by RandyR
Thank you all for the comments, each and everyone of them means the world to me.

I did not write this for any attention, I just wanted to be honest and truthfull so that the next person who wakes up one morning like this will see that there not alone. And I hope and pray that it will help them as much as this board and the members have helped me.

I left alot of stuff out to keep it as short as possible, It was alot longer. During all of this time I have also lost my job of 15 years because of a bad back injury. I loved my job, and all I did was deliver drinks for a living. Nothing special, I was not a military hero, rescue worker, some big goverment official, or a teacher. I was just a Truck driver, that loved being a simple man. But it all got taken away from me at the same time.

I could keep having a pitty party for my self, but I won't. God has blessed me with health that alot of people don't have. So again, I'm very thankfull. I still have a few setbacks when a new symptom pops up, but I do not go into full panic mode any longer. I just take a few deep breaths and replay in my memory all the stuff that I have read on here. And it registers, all I have is BFS. Thats it, just benign fasiculations. Benign is good.... :D

Re: A year in the life of BFS.....

PostPosted: September 28th, 2011, 4:45 pm
by cenkay.a
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