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PostPosted: April 16th, 2011, 2:11 pm
by angusglover
I've just got a part time job helping a one armed typist whenever she needs Capitals.

It's SHIFT WORK.....

Re: Typist

PostPosted: April 16th, 2011, 2:21 pm
by angusglover
Wife, "I'm so excited we will be running the London marathon tomorrow, what time do we need to set off, as it's a long drive?"
Me, "About 4 o'clock in the morning, babe"
Wife, "I am so worried about being tired and hitting the Wall"
Me, "No danger of that babe, i'll be driving us down there"

Re: Typist

PostPosted: April 16th, 2011, 3:07 pm
by mommylondon
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

We need more joke posts, maybe you should start a joke thread like my music thread in the Lounge, then people have a place to go when they need a good laugh :D

Thanks Angus

Robynn :D

Re: Typist

PostPosted: April 18th, 2011, 11:44 am
by angusglover
Downloaded that new Fleetwood Mac voice-over for my Satnav.

Kept telling me to go my own way.

Re: Typist

PostPosted: April 18th, 2011, 11:44 am
by angusglover
A young lad came into my club everyday for six months begging that I book his metal band for one night and I wouldn't be sorry.

When he came in last night I decided to help the poor lad out.

I said, "You've got a spot."

He said, "Great what do I need to do?"

I replied, "Get some Clearasil."

Re: Typist

PostPosted: April 18th, 2011, 11:45 am
by angusglover
BBC News: "Nasa scientists find that drugs lose effectiveness in space".

I reckon if you find yourself in space, you've had enough already.

Re: Typist

PostPosted: April 18th, 2011, 11:46 am
by angusglover
I was in a bar last night and I saw Heather Mills so I asked her for a dance. I couldn't understand why every time I twirled her around she got 2 inches taller. I said to her, "What's going on?"

She replied, "You're unscrewing my wooden leg."

Re: Typist

PostPosted: April 18th, 2011, 11:50 am
by angusglover
Daily Mirror says, "Kate Middleton wedding dress designer speculation mounts."

My mirror says, "esra ruoy pu gniddeW layoR ruoy kcitS".

Re: Typist

PostPosted: April 18th, 2011, 11:51 am
by angusglover
I applied for a job at IKEA today. I had to put the application together myself.

Re: Typist

PostPosted: April 18th, 2011, 11:54 am
by angusglover
Dear Sir,
I received your letter today, which caused great amusement in the family, when you said you couldn't understand why the account had not been paid and would cause me great hardship if it was not paid immediately.
Well I came out of the army in 1958 and got married and had a family, 3 sons and 2 daughters.
I bought a small holding and went into business
Foot and mouth disease came and wiped out the lot.
I then bought a sawmill, 2 horses and a wagon, but the sawmill burnt down killing the 2 horses and burnt the wagon.
Never one to be beaten I tried again and bought a combine harvester, a tractor and a bailer.
All seemed to go well for a bit but then the wife left me for a travelling salesman and left me to bring up the family.
My eldest son told me he was gay so there would be no heir to the family name.
In 1980 one of my daughters got pregnant with twins to a tramp and I had to pay him £200 not to become member of the family.

One of my sons while driving the combine harvester was took short and wiped his *beep* on a poisoned rabbit skin.
Which gave him an infection from which he died?
Unfortunately it was not the one who is gay.
In 1985 I again took heart and decided to marry again,
I had great trouble trying to make my new wife pregnant.
I saw the doctor who said try to cause a bit of excitement at the crucial moment,so that night I took the 12 bore to bed and at the crucial moment fired the gun out of the window,
The wife nearly had a heart attack and I shot the balls off the best bull I ever had.
First the good news, my wife is pregnant but the bad news is the father is that AI man. Seems he wasn't only serving the cows!
My youngest daughter has now become a *beep*, what have I done to deserve this?
My son had an accident with the bailer and fell in and got killed, still not the one who's gay.
I decided to take up religion but one day the vicar caught me *beep* and made me buy the ugliest dog imaginable for £500.
Now when people ask me how much the dog was and I say £500 they say someone saw you coming.
I have now retired and have a heart problem and a weak bladder; I also have a pocket watch with a weak main spring.
Winding my watch and running to the toilet is a full time job.
So you can imagine my great mirth when you say you will cause me great hardship if the bill is not paid immediately.
If you think there is any hardship I have missed out on I would be grateful if you would let me know .

Re: Typist

PostPosted: April 18th, 2011, 11:58 am
by angusglover
An Essex maths teacher asks little Stacey, "What comes after 69?"

She says, "Wet wipes and mouth wash miss."

Re: Typist

PostPosted: April 18th, 2011, 5:34 pm
by raindog
Bought the wife a solar powered vibrator yesterday, as the sun shines out of her a*se, it will save a fortune in batteries


I was having sex the other day, banging away, when suddenly I stopped mid-thrust and stood really still.

"What are you doing?"

"Something I learnt from online p0rn. It's called 'buffering'."

Re: Typist

PostPosted: April 18th, 2011, 5:54 pm
by raindog
A guy and a girl meet at a bar.
They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.

The girl has been watching him and says:
"You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says:
"Yes . . . How did you figure that out?"
"Easy." she replies, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing leads to another and they make love.
After it's over the girl says: "You must be a good dentist."
The guy, now with an inflated ego, says:
"Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"
The girl replies . . .

"Didn't feel a thing."

Re: Typist

PostPosted: April 18th, 2011, 5:58 pm
by raindog
I was in supermarket the other day pushing my trolley around when I collided with a young guy...

I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife,too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 22 years old, tall, with blond hair, big blue eyes, long tanned legs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra.

What does your wife look like?"

I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours." :lol: