JOKES

[raindog]

The Honourable Rev John Flaps see's a lady church member getting drunk in a pub, he tries to take her home but they fall and he ends up on top of her in the bar, landlords shouts, oi you can't do that in here!" Rev replies, "You don't understand, I'm Pastor Flaps". Landlord says, "Oh well if you're that far in you may as well finish the job".
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Q. would you rather have parkinsons or alzheimers ?
A. parkinsons,i'd rather spill half me pint than forget where it was.
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Q Why do women like a circumcised Penis?

A They can`t resist anything with 10% off.

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After her fifth child, Lucy decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory because her bomb doors were dangling a bit too low and looked like a ripped out fireplace. Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with five children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there so it looked more like a piggy bank slot rather than a badly packed kebab.

Following the operation she awoke from her anesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed. "Who are these from?" she asked the nurse, "They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them."

"Well" said the nurse, "The first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks".

"Ahhh, that's really nice" said Lucy.

"The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!".

"Brilliant!" said Lucy. "And the third?".

"That's from Eric in the burns unit", said the nurse. "He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears."

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A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub... She gestured alluringly to the bartender who
approached her immediately.

She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers, and as he did, she gently
caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and
into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the
bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him
to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, soap, or paper towels in the ladies toilet."

[MarioMangler]

Two idiots are walking through a park and they see a dog sitting there, licking his balls.

"Man," says idiot #1, "That looks fun. I wish I could do that."

"I don't know," says idiot #2. "I think you should probably pet him first."



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[tatsu15]

[clarke]

For two cents, I`d give you a piece of my mind -- and all of yours.

You are the only person I've ever met whose mind is filthy and sterile at the same time!

You have no trouble making ends meet. Your foot is always in your mouth!

I heard you went to see the doctor and told him that you wanted a little wart removed; so he had you thrown out of his office.

I think Mother Nature really hates you because you remind her so much of all her mistakes!

You must be the arithmetic man -- you add trouble, subtract pleasure, divide attention, and multiply ignorance.

Some people are has-beens. You are a never-was.

You started at the bottom -- and it's been downhill ever since.

You are so boring that you can't even entertain a doubt.

I don't mind that you are talking so long as you don't mind that I'm not listening.

I heard that you were born, your father threw rocks at the stork.

I used to think that you were a big pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.